Has your world ever taken an unexpected tumble that left you scrambling for answers that will never be fully answered? Or caught you so off guard that you're not even sure what questions to ask?
I experienced that Friday, December 16, 2016, with the passing of my dad, Bill Vest. He was the healthiest 81-year-old man you would ever meet. Still mowing the yard multiple times a week, working on the ground in his garden, and the ultimate handyman, what could be better than still doing all the things you love and at that age? Nothing I know of!
Early Thursday morning, Dad suffered a massive deep brain aneurysm that left him in a coma and defined as "brain dead." Our family pulled together at his bedside and was with him when he passed away Friday evening. It was an unimaginable nightmare, but an experience I wouldn't have missed for anything.
As I sort through the many emotions of losing a parent, I reflect back on words of comfort I extended to others who have experienced a similar loss, praying I had offered hope and a unique perspective to ease their pain.
And as I prepare for my dad's funeral Tuesday, I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and prayers and empathy. In this time before dawn, I woke up and decided I also needed to send a letter of comfort to myself …
Dear Monica,
I was stunned to learn of the passing of your dad, so suddenly and right before the holidays. I can't imagine that moment for you.
Many professionals tell us that we'll pass through the "formal" stages of grief.
Forget that crap and listen instead to your own heart, mind and soul. It may be, oh heck, it's gonna be downright impossible at times to hear the whispers of comfort those three parts of you will offer … over the sound of your own sobs.
Your heart is breaking with an invisible, yet brutal, fracture that will physically hurt at times. When it feels crushing in these initial days and weeks, you HAVE to stop and take a deep breath. Why? Because I said so! You have to relax the intense crunching of muscles or you're gonna get sick or worse yet, join your dad in heaven far sooner than scheduled. And if you thought he got mad at you for the stupid things you did as a kid, oh, just wait for the lecture you'll get this time!
Your mind is reeling with an endless list of what if's. What if this, that, this, that, this, that … Stop it!! No one, not even YOU, Super Monica, could have changed the outcome.
Based on what we humans know and what the medical machines told us, he most likely didn't even know what hit him as the aneurysm was swift, exact and deadly. And his vitals in the ICU were not showing any signs of physical or emotional distress or pain. His brain was "dead," even though his strong heart kept going for nearly 36 more hours. There are no what if's. There is what is. And if he had to leave you, what better way to go without weeks or months of lingering.
Your soul is churning with regrets, some real but most imagined as our thoughts tend to go a bit wacky during a loss and try to influence and disrupt the soul. I shoulda, shoulda, shoulda … Shut up!!! You were your father's daughter, his little girl who grew up into a woman that gave him so many proud moments, that a calculator can't tally that high.
Together, you and your carpenter dad built some of the strongest emotional bridges in the last 30 years, especially the last couple of years. You may have not heard too many "I love you's" as a child, but he certainly had a million of 'em for you recently. Remember, this is NOT the man you grew up with. He changed BIG time, and he became the one who said it first every time you said goodbye. So na na na na na!! Admit it! You CAN teach an old dad new tricks! You did!
Monica, I know you will cope with this loss with humor and unexpected and unique insight. That's who YOU are. You are supposed to learn from this and help heal other hurting hearts across this world. Who says? I say so! Your dad says so! Your family and friends say so! God says so! So there! You gotta put your butt in the seat and write. Just imagine you're sitting at the built-in desk your dad made for you as a kid, looking out the window at the backyard. He expected you to put it to good use and make something of yourself because he knew you could.
You have many essays of a lifetime yet to write because you have to maximize this gift of life, thanks to God and your dad's contributions. No more dilly dallying. No more "I can't do this." No more creative excuses. No more ridiculous self-doubts.
Your daddy helped give you life. Now make the most of it. That will be his greatest legacy. YOU are his greatest gift to the world. So unwrap YOUR gifts and get to it.
I say this with great love because you are worth it. And your daddy is watching and cheering you with those angels on high.
Love, Monica
3 comments:
Monica - you are the perfect person to have reached out to my dear friend - thank you for sharing your heart with her - to tell her all the things the rest of us would like to say 'perfectly' and never could.
Truly Monica - you are a beautiful beautiful soul - you have always made the world a better, happier place for all of US - and in the process for YOURSELF and your family. All of us - your friends of a lifetime - are deeply grateful to your dad and mom for - in one way or another - making you the woman you are. THEY have blessed us through you - - and so we rejoice your father's peaceful passing - which, though too soon - is, in God's own time - a gift to your dad.
Please know that we, your friends and loved ones - are watching you closely this week - from near or from far away - we are keeping a loving 'eye' on you - and feeling much love -
This Christmas will be (should be) forever remembered for its celebration of LOVE - and will, we hope always be remembered for love - this year, you will share Christmas with so many - and your dad will, (I know it in my heart), be there right beside you.
God Bless you sweet girl,
Leslie
Love your writing, putting thoughts and words on paper. Very talented.
Monica thank you for the posting. I, too, lost a loved one my Mother. on December 1. You so elegantly expressed my feeling I felt.
thanks again and know I will be with you during this difficult time in our lives. God bless you.
Remember to celebrate his life because you know where he is.
Jo Sullons
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