How to pick your family when the branches seem bare

By Monica Vest Wheeler

Have you ever looked across the many branches of your family tree and stared at one or two and wonder, "How can I be related to them?"

As the saying goes, you can't pick your relatives.

However, you can pick your family.

Attending so many traumatic brain injury camps and Retreat & Refresh Stroke Camps across this country and working with families affected by Alzheimer's and dementia, I've witnessed about every combination of survivor-caregiver relationships … parent-child, spouses, siblings, in-laws, best friends, and a few more that escape me.

I've learned much about family structure and dynamics and heard about nearly every scenario from deep devotion to painful abandonment. I've laughed at some tales and wept at others. Many caregivers describe loneliness as relatives seem to vanish over time or refuse to believe the true everyday challenges of caring for someone with a brain disorder.

In the last dozen years, I've discovered that many people and society in general don't understand brain-related injuries, illnesses or diseases. They often equate the changes brought on by such a medical issue as mental illness or craziness. The misinformation and stereotypes are horrendous and disheartening. Many survivors have shared the deep sadness they experience when family members and friends don't want to be around them anymore because they're "different" even when their heart and soul have not changed.

What I have also discovered is that many survivors and caregivers are creating unique families of their own, built upon true friendship, commonality and love, which can be even more binding than blood.

One survivor told me, "My family left me. My friends left me. I have new friends. I’m dealing with something they’re dealing with, too. They are my family."

Yes, we can't pick our relatives who abandon us … and we can't even "pick" their brain to find out why they're behaving the way they are!

We think we know how we'll react in a family crisis, but no one really knows until they're "tested." We've all encountered surprise when someone we thought we could always lean on is not there to support us in our hour of need. At the same time, we've all been startled to discover folks come to our rescue that we never expected to see standing by us.

There are miracles even when the light of hope seems to flicker precariously. 

I am touched by the story of an estranged couple who reunited after the husband's stroke and fell in love again.

I am lifted by the story of a sister who dropped everything to come back home to care for her brother after his stroke.

I am warmed by the story of a big sister who keeps close contact with her baby sister who has a brain injury, despite the thousands of miles between them.

I am overjoyed when two stroke survivors become best friends and learn to lend a helping hand when each has the use of only one, from shopping to fastening each other's seat belts.

No matter your life challenge — and we all have struggles at times — you can always built a family tree with as many branches as you want …  as high as you like … as inviting as you want to attract as many songbirds as you desire … to bring more harmony in your life.