The truth and Alzheimer's

I met someone the other day whose grandma has Alzheimer's. Sometimes Grandma inquires about her late husband. Most family members tell her that he's in heaven.

Should you always tell the truth to someone with Alzheimer's?

I honestly have to say no.

Will it help? Will it hurt? You never know because the person with Alzheimer's could respond a different way every time to the same bit of information.

Here's a story from my book on Alzheimer's that is a prime example of when you should NOT tell the truth:

A few weeks before completing this book, I attended the funeral of one of the clients from the Alzheimer's support group. Cancer had claimed Ed, who also had stroke-related dementia. A few days earlier, his wife, Shirley, had attended the monthly dinner gathering of the support group members. I asked about Ed, and she said he was home under hospice care, and that her children had told her to get out of the house for awhile to see her friends.

I asked Shirley how she was coping. It had been difficult, but she told me that the dementia had been a blessing in a way. I remembered one of the sessions when Shirley described Ed’s reaction to finding out that his cancer had worsened. Then the dementia made him forget. When he heard again later about his cancer, it was like hearing it for the first time, and the family decided not to mention it again in front of him, to not put him through that emotional distress again.

Later that night after Shirley and I talked, Ed passed away with family gathered …

Hard news, tragic news, old news … don't keep repeating it. How would you like to hear that your spouse had died as if you were hearing it for the first time again and again and again because you couldn't remember? Or that you have cancer? Even if you forget, it's still tears you up inside every time like the first time.

Really, what's the harm in just saying, "He's at work" or "She'll be back in a little bit" or "You're doing fine." You're not being deceitful. You're being compassionate.

Sometimes that's the greatest gift you can give to a loved one with Alzheimer's … honest.