Alzheimer's: Why we cannot judge others

While working on my book about coping with Alzheimer's, I interviewed a woman who quit visiting her mother in the nursing home because her presence agitated her mother. She chose not to visit in person but that didn't keep her from calling regularly to see how she was doing.

This is a poignant example why we cannot judge what another family does in caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's … unless it's obviously something inhumane or life-threatening. I remember one caregiver's statement that a neighbor quit speaking to her because she had made the difficult decision to place her husband in a nursing home. I used this example in my presentation to a group of caregivers and how the neighbor had no idea what this caregiver had sacrificed emotionally and physically to take care of him as long as she had.

Many, many caregivers go many, many nights without adequate sleep or help, leading to total exhaustion that is not only dangerous for the caregiver but for the loved one with Alzheimer's. And there are many, many caregivers who still visit their loved one daily after they make that difficult decision to place them in the care of an institution. It's never easy but sometimes becomes a case of survival.

No one knows what each family must do to cope with Alzheimer's. That's why we've got to listen and pay attention to caregivers … and make sure we're not ignoring or missing a cry for help.