Instruction manuals for my men — part 1

When my 28-year-old son was little, I would prepare detailed descriptions of his likes/dislikes and needs/wants when I left him with family, friends or babysitters. I wanted to make everyone’s life a little easier. One of the more colorful lists I prepared was written for his paternal grandparents, Meemaw and Pepaw, when he visited them in Florida at the tender age of 10.

INSTRUCTION MANUAL FOR MODEL WHEELER 1982

Thank you for selecting this product. This high-energy model is guaranteed to give you hours of joy. To extend the usefulness of this product, we suggest the following:

1. Unwrap carefully to make sure it’s not damaged upon arrival or emitting strange odors, though it was cleaned thoroughly before packaging.

2. Clean daily. Recommended methods of cleaning include hosing down in the yard or a small confined area such as a shower. Special brush included for cleaning of teeth.

3. Fuel consumption by this model varies but energy output increases with servings of fruits and vegetables, cereal and peanut butter and jelly (peanut butter on one piece of bread folded and jelly on the other piece). This model does not consume large quantities of meat. It does generally ingest more in the early morning hours.

4. Needs only occasional guidance, though a few reminders to complete certain tasks. (Part of the age and style of this model. Threat of swift kick in rear component should clear up the problem.)

5. This model is complete with extra politeness and helpfulness components. These should be functioning properly. If not, readjust by screwing hands around the neck region.

6. When bored, this model may whine a little bit. Ignore or lock in shed for a while to allow model to reset itself.

7. Model can become lethargic if exposed to too much television. Limit this exposure and encourage interaction with reading material.

8. For your enjoyment, this model is also equipped with extra hugging and kissing devices. Reciprocating enhances this feature.

We hope you enjoy this special product. It’s the only one in its class and style and was constructed with the finest components available. If you have questions about this model, ask the model itself or its manufacturers, Wheeler Inc.

Hmm, now what instructions would I include for my husband? Check back tomorrow …