The pain of Pepaw's descent into Alzheimer's — part 1

A note to my dear friend, Molly, an Alzheimer's caregiver who passed away unexpectedly in January. I always shared moments like this with her. It's a habit that's hard to break …

Dear Molly,

You know it's been a while since I've written about Pepaw. Well, from your front row seat in heaven, you know I've taken on more than I expected with caring for my dad-in-law and his Alzheimer's. How I wish you were here to talk to me, though I know you are listening.

Remember, I'm still human.

But dammit, that's just not enough for ME! Some days I am so selfish that I want you right here on the other end of the phone or offering me ice water when the sun or internal turmoil and pain set me ablaze. But I quickly acknowledge I'd never want you to go through all that earthly pain again.

I'm human.

I've discovered a new intense love for and relationship with those individuals who have stepped forward to help. I've learned to stand alongside those who need help adjusting to Pepaw's painful journey, his hell on earth. I've also developed an unexpected and uncomfortable hardness toward and indescribable disappointment in those who have let me and Pepaw down. Some days I wonder how those people can even live with themselves.

I'm human.

It's been barely five months since we brought Pepaw to Illinois from Florida, yet some days it feels like five years … other times, 500. It's been a tragedy to watch his rapid decline, which has presented unique and painful physical, emotional and financial challenges. I guess I've been unable to write about my dad-in-law recently because I'm still absorbing it all, trying to make sense of a damn disease that makes no sense. It is so infuriating and heartbreaking! Some days I give up reaching for tissues, opting to not waste them and instead saturate my T-shirt sleeves.

I'm only human.

During mid-to-late July, I learned to live with my phone, not knowing what Pepaw would do next at his assisted living facility. I'd get a call about his smoking or his proclamations that this residence was hell, that there was no place more evil than it. I'd learn of how he had a direct line to God, who promised Pepaw that He would destroy this nasty, nasty place. Unfortunately, some of the other residents who heard his tirades became justifiably frightened at his ravings.

And so it continues … tomorrow.